Pinchathon, TOS style
by Zelda12343
Summary: Kevin Riley wants to make sure EVERYONE knows what March 17th is on the Enterprise. To do so, he's going to punish everyone not wearing green... Written in honor of St. Patrick's day and the funniest non-regular in the TOS canon.
1. Chapter 1

**1: Being the Captain does not protect you**

**Author's note: **_Hi there everyone! Today, in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I bring to you three silly moments aboard the USS Enterprise relating to the age-old tradition honoring those who don't wear green._

_Riley: *sneaks up on me*_

_Me: Sorry, I'm wearing green today. *displays green t-shirt*_

_Riley: Aw man!_

_Me: Hey, at least I wrote a story featuring you! That's what you've been begging the TOS writers for!_

_Anywho, on with the show!_

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><p>James T. Kirk was not one to celebrate minor holidays.<p>

Sure, he remembered Christmas and his birthday, but little holidays didn't matter. Thanksgiving, July 4th, Backwards Day, Halloween, and that sort of holiday could bother him less. Well, Valentine's Day was a little different, but otherwise, they simply slipped past his consciousness.

Which was why, when he walked onto the bridge one morning and received a sharp pinch on the arm from Kevin Riley, he had no clue what was going on.

"Ow! Lieutenant! What the hell?" massaging his arm, Kirk grilled his navigator, who was now grinning impishly.

"Happy St. Patrick's Day, captain!" he cried. "The day when we all celebrate the Irish. In other words, me."

"What does that have to do with the pinch, then?"

"You made a bad choice this morning, captain. You chose to wear yellow instead of green," Riley continued. "It's a Terran tradition to pinch whoever's not wearing green!"

"…I don't celebrate many Terran holidays, Lieutenant."

"Well, I do!" Riley declared. With that, he pinched Kirk again.

"OW!"


	2. Chapter 2

**2: ...But apparently looking threatening does**

"Then why didn't he pinch you if he's pinching people not wearing green?" Kirk was currently grilling his senior officers.

"He did," Spock replied.

"What?" McCoy gasped. "He actually pinched you?" the CMO erupted into a fit of laughter.

"I saw no logical reason for his behavior," Spock added, calm as ever.

"What about you, Scotty?" asked Kirk. The engineer shrugged.

"Hasn't gotten close enough to me all day," he explained. "I think he's afraid I'll yell at him like I did yesterday when I found all the green shamrock decorations in Engineering."

"McCoy. You?" Kirk asked further.

"Nah. I just held up a hypo threateningly when he approached with that gleam in his eye," McCoy grinned.

"And what about you, Uhura?"

"I told him I was wearing green underwear," Uhura replied lightly.

"And he believed you?"

"Captain, I really AM wearing green underwear. Unless you'd rather check, you'll just have to believe me."

"Did he believe you?"

"Yes, actually. Well, he didn't ask to check or anything and he didn't pinch me-

"-so logically, he believed you," Spock finished. She nodded.

"And what about you, Mr. Sulu?" Kirk turned to his remaining officer in the room, hoping he too had been humiliated by Riley. Even though Spock had been pinched too, he just didn't count where humiliation was concerned.

"Sorry, Captain," Sulu replied, not seeming apologetic in the slightest as he displayed a green shamrock pin next to his Starfleet insignia.

Kirk sighed.

"I saved him on Tarsus IV, and this is the treatment I get?" he asked no one in particular. "That's ingratitude to you."

"No, sir," Uhura answered even though he hadn't asked her. "That's St. Patrick's Day!"


	3. Chapter 3

**3: And being a jerk earns extra punishment**

**Author's note: **_Last chappie, guys! Sorry it's a tad late, I was interrupted by my concert last night._

_Well, enjoy!_

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><p>Later on that day, when he was finally off duty, Kevin Riley stalked the lower decks looking for new victims.<p>

As soon as he would find a yeoman who wasn't wearing green, he'd give him or her a pinch on the arm. Most of them would give a yelp and angrily question him, but hey, it was fun.

"Oy! Leprechaun!"

Riley turned around to see none other than his least favorite person in the world. Ensign Ryan Tyler was the only person Riley disliked. Well, except for Kodos, but that was a different story.

"What's the matter? Can't find your gold?" Tyler continued, laughing as though he was the funniest person ever. Riley gave his nemesis a once-over-and saw an opportunity.

"Nah. Got enough gold," Riley replied lightly. He started walking towards Tyler casually.

"Oh, that's not proper Leprechaun spirit!" Tyler jeered.

"Maybe 'cause I'm a simple Irishman, not a leprechaun," Riley was closing in.

"You're not an Irishman! You've never even been to Ireland!"

"Well, I'm still more Irish than you are." Riley was in range.

"You don't know that," Tyler pointed out smugly.

"I can tell just by looking at you. Your clothes suggest you don't even know what day it is," Riley countered. "And thus, it gives me perfect license to do this."

Quicker than Tyler could change that dumb expression that always seemed to be on his face, Riley's left hand lashed out and pinched Tyler on the elbow.

"YOWCH!" cried the most hated person on board. People all turned around to see just what had happened.

"Happy St. Patrick's day, Tyler," Riley said with a parting grin as he walked off, people cheering and high-fiving him as he passed, their former enmity with him for pinching them forgotten.

Hey, pinching Ensign Tyler gives you instant celebrity status.


End file.
